You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
