Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
