now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
