it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
