I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
