I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
