I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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