She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
