When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
