I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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