from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dicks are not precious.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
