I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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