We're like a lot better than the average bears
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
