why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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