Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
