no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
