I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
