Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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