people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you will always have a special place in my vag
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
