my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
