I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
