then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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