I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
