It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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