my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
