a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
