you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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