Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
