I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
