is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
