Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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