There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
