the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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