I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
