We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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