Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
