He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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