We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
