i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize