He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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