there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
