just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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