textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
