I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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