If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
