how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Im part way to drunk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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