i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
