I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
