everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life