I haven't been this sober since birth.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.