Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
