Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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