dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
