We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
