The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
