don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
