just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
