is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize