So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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