i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
