I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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