i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
