this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
