I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
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Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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