Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I love having hate sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
