So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize