sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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