New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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