My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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